I thought that whatever happened before dinner on Father's Day was over;
or rather I thought so. The dinner on the overall was okay, no?
Pushing whatever that happened aside
Struggling to sleep on a Sunday night, with someone tempting me to head out for prata in the middle of the night, with half of my mind thinking what would happen during the shoot. finally falling asleep at slightly after 3am, waking up at 6am, knowing there is a long day in front of me.
me wanting to reach school between 730 - 745am, you told that we had to leave by 645am.
so yes, i woke up at 6am, was ready to leave by 645am and you were not ready. oh wells.
yes, thank you for helping the transportation of all the equipment over to the location, and I did say thank you.
perhaps it just meant a normal simple thank you to you? I do not know.
13 straight hours in school
home. with no dinner. only for the home to greet me with a pile of messed up and bitten plastic bags.
courtesy of my dog.
mum came home. was planning to shower and sleep and of all times.
we just so needed to have a conflict just as I was going to shower.
I was so desperate to get out of the toilet that I did not even rinse my mouth properly after brushing my teeth.
it didn't help much when my dad decided to talk to me about it later on.

I mean its like, don't I have my own way of venting my frustration?
Can't I even throw my pillow against the wall?
didn't slam my door for the second time
I just broke down completely, the moment the door was closed.
I just cant remember when was the last time I cried damn bad.
I just refused to get out of my room, to get a drink or food even though I did not have my dinner, even though I needed water desperately.
If I were to get out of my room, it would only meant that I would be going out of the house; in the middle of the night.

somehow I forced myself to sleep, even though I did not want to sleep at all.
I was just planning to stay awake with my swollen eyes and also despite the fact that I knew I was lacking sleep and was having a terrible headache.
only to wake up at 5am. when I was having a muscle cramp in my left calf.
it was so bad that I was screaming out in pain.
it was so bad that I didn't know what to do.
it was so bad that I remembered the last time I had a cramp that bad, I called my mum and she prayed for me.
but this time somehow I just could not reach for my phone. and even if I did managed to get my phone, who could I call at such a timing. call my dad? call my mum?
there was no way they could get into my room.
my door was locked for the whole night.

the only thing that I could do was pray.



sigh.

I just do not want another breakdown.
there is so much that I can take.