Huang Yixi Vicson

Date : Saturday, June 27, 2009
Time : 2:29 am

I feel like closing down my photogblog just for a little while.
considering water-marking all my photos.
Hmmmm......

Date : Friday, June 26, 2009
Time : 5:57 pm

hello vicson huang.
i love you (:

Date : Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Time : 2:08 pm

I thought that whatever happened before dinner on Father's Day was over;
or rather I thought so. The dinner on the overall was okay, no?
Pushing whatever that happened aside
Struggling to sleep on a Sunday night, with someone tempting me to head out for prata in the middle of the night, with half of my mind thinking what would happen during the shoot. finally falling asleep at slightly after 3am, waking up at 6am, knowing there is a long day in front of me.
me wanting to reach school between 730 - 745am, you told that we had to leave by 645am.
so yes, i woke up at 6am, was ready to leave by 645am and you were not ready. oh wells.
yes, thank you for helping the transportation of all the equipment over to the location, and I did say thank you.
perhaps it just meant a normal simple thank you to you? I do not know.
13 straight hours in school
home. with no dinner. only for the home to greet me with a pile of messed up and bitten plastic bags.
courtesy of my dog.
mum came home. was planning to shower and sleep and of all times.
we just so needed to have a conflict just as I was going to shower.
I was so desperate to get out of the toilet that I did not even rinse my mouth properly after brushing my teeth.
it didn't help much when my dad decided to talk to me about it later on.

I mean its like, don't I have my own way of venting my frustration?
Can't I even throw my pillow against the wall?
didn't slam my door for the second time
I just broke down completely, the moment the door was closed.
I just cant remember when was the last time I cried damn bad.
I just refused to get out of my room, to get a drink or food even though I did not have my dinner, even though I needed water desperately.
If I were to get out of my room, it would only meant that I would be going out of the house; in the middle of the night.

somehow I forced myself to sleep, even though I did not want to sleep at all.
I was just planning to stay awake with my swollen eyes and also despite the fact that I knew I was lacking sleep and was having a terrible headache.
only to wake up at 5am. when I was having a muscle cramp in my left calf.
it was so bad that I was screaming out in pain.
it was so bad that I didn't know what to do.
it was so bad that I remembered the last time I had a cramp that bad, I called my mum and she prayed for me.
but this time somehow I just could not reach for my phone. and even if I did managed to get my phone, who could I call at such a timing. call my dad? call my mum?
there was no way they could get into my room.
my door was locked for the whole night.

the only thing that I could do was pray.

sigh.

I just do not want another breakdown.
there is so much that I can take.

Date : Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Time : 10:49 pm

the is just so much going through my mind.
honestly. I am lost, confused of what I want and what I do not want.
even as the days goes by, I'm just drowning myself in school work.
been sleeping late and waking up late.

):

Date : Thursday, June 11, 2009
Time : 1:15 am

asking myself over and over again
why is this happening
I just can't find to seem the answer
perhaps it was all just excuses
I really do not know
it's really not how I wanted it to be

Breaking down yet again
Sigh

Date : Monday, June 08, 2009
Time : 4:53 pm

no much difference in the grades.
might as well just have me debarred now?
lost the motivation altogether already

sheer disappointment.

Date :
Time : 11:20 am

my mind is in a mess right now.
feelings are all over the place.
i'm just blasting my itunes aimlessly.

i.really.do.not.know.what.to.do

Date : Sunday, June 07, 2009
Time : 10:15 pm

I am speechless.

Date : Saturday, June 06, 2009
Time : 11:06 am

My mind is blank right now, but yet I've still got the urge to blog.
This might yet be another random post.

School has been its best and it's worst so far
The saves of assignment that come and go together
The super mundane lectures every Monday
The stupidest thing that I can do during tutorials
Something as simple as taking a short nap on a sofa during tutorial can lead to a comment thread of at least 40. Something as stupid as spilling teh peng in a studio during lecture, having to clean it up and have your lecturer calling me auntie and uncle and classmates calling me juxiang, uncle huang and auntie huang.

At times, I really wonder what do I really want in life, what do I want to achieve; who do I want to be.
And what are the answers that I come up with?
See how it goes. Don’t know. Can’t get this, nvm. Life goes on.

And right now, I'm questioning myself, am I going to live by those answers?

Through my 19, coming 20 years of my life. I would dare say that there is only one particular thing that I’m really interested it.

Photography.

Throughout my primary school and secondary school days, it has always been soccer, soccer and more soccer for me.
Some how it just seemed like, I went to school for the sake of going to school, for the sake of seeing my friends.
I didn't know what was I studying for.
PSLE was like just a normal exam to me, nothing big.
N Levels was, what? Just to get me into Sec 5 to take my Os. At least I knew that I did not want to go to ITE
First attempt at Os. Should I say, there was nothing that was motivating me to study for? It was like I knew what course I wanted to get into but I just didn't have the motivation to study.
Second attempt at Os. The results from my first attempt brought me back to reality. The fact that I failed to get into any polytechnic got me worried. All these just came together and motivated me to work hard.
18 points was what I got.

My dad bought a dslr. Mind you, that was 3 years back. Damn expensive.
To tell the truth, it was the first time that caught my interest. I just got pulled into it so deep.
I knew that I knew nuts about how a SLR worked.
I knew I knew nuts about photography.
But some how it just worked out all for me.
Bringing it for church camps and outing, plus asking people. It gave me the exposure that I needed.

Really. The first first hand experience that I had was my church camp a 3 years back. My dad just told me to take photos for the camp, and I accepted it.
Then I would say the 'major break' came for me.
And that was my brother managed to get me to cover for the first Anglican Chinese Youth Camp 2 years back, as he was in the committee. Those 3-4 days that I spent taking photos and everything taught me plenty. I explored the functions and my interest just got deeper.
Using the photos that I took during the camp, I applied for FSV-NP through jpsae. Got my portfolio up, went for the interview, got interviewed and waited for my results.

In the end I got it.
Its like even right up till now, I still wonder.
Where would I be if my dad did not get the camera?
Would I even have developed such a strong interest for photography?
I guess I'll prolly be in NYP - studying Motion Graphics and Broadcast Design
But it wasn’t to be.

All the opportunities that I had, shooting for events and all, came looking for me.
Knocking on my door.
Never once have I gone out chasing and looking for them.

After the Chinese Youth Camp that I covered;
-Student Career Fair at Suntec City [CITY Community Services] - yet again, it was my brother who pulled me in
- Student Career Fair at Gan Eng Seng Primary school [CITY Community Services] - yet again, it was my brother who pulled me in
-Piano Concert@YMS Art Centre [my church member approached me]
-Conference@YCCA [my dad's church]
-Wedding+Wedding Dinner [Dad's Church member]
-BB&GB Enrolment Service [CITY Community Services]

the frequent photoshoots that I have. For camps, gatherings, festive seasons and of course assignments.

But it really was my latest opportunity that I'm really shocked/surprised/happy about.
It all just happened so fast. Yesterday, my schoolmate asked me if I was free today from 12 -4pm today.
He was going to host the SI auditions at Cathay and he wanted me to cover him for the whole thing.
So today I was at Cathay, 12-4pm. walking around taking photos, covering and following him when he was hosting. It was like all around me were professionals from Mediacorp. I had a couple of weird stares from them, but I just ignored them, not to mention, it was weird seeing a lot of people from FMS there. Be it helping the cameramen with the log sheets or interviewing those who were going for the auditions.

It just became a great experience for me, knowing how everything works and all. Like I was telling my friend, "things do not seem like its done this way, but rather another way. That kind of thing".
It’s just really how things are being done.

Well, life does not seem as simple as it maybe.
However simple you think it maybe, complications come your way.

To end it off, being able to keep this and have these few photos taken really made my day and week.
Of course there are other things that made my week, but it'll be for another time.

Date : Thursday, June 04, 2009
Time : 11:33 pm

have I changed so much to the extent that I do not even know myself anymore?
many a times I have broken down, but never have I broken down more then 3 times in just a little over 2 weeks.
everything is just not fitting in.
am I just one person carrying may different faces?

one at home
one in school during lectures
one in school during tutorials
one on the journey to and back from school

is that how I lived my life for the past 18/19 years?
is this the way I'm supposed to live it?

there is just so much that I can take. yet again.

Date : Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Time : 1:08 pm

third time for this week
I have been unable to wake up on time for school.
Monday - late for school.
Tuesday - just had to reach school before 12pm for submission of assignment and I reached after 12pm
Wednesday - I woke up(no idea what time) looked out of the window and saw that it was raining, went back to sleep. woke up again. checked my phone and it was 10:30am. 3 miscalls. class at 9am and I woke up at 10:30am.

three times this week.
class at 9am tomorrow.
as a matter of fact i start at 9am everyday except on friday which is at 10am;
but how much difference does it make.
bleakness