Huang Yixi Vicson

Date : Friday, January 26, 2007
Time : 11:25 pm

Found this in the forum when i was working..kinda funny..so enjoy bah..

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In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our, BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

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A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia.. He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house.
A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation. Malaysian : "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?" Singaporean : "Of course." Malaysian : "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside.The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore."
The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence. Malaysian : "Do you eat the jam with the bread?" Singaporean : "Of course." Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to Singapore." This time, the Singaporean retorted : "Do you have sex in Malaysia?" Malaysian : "Why, of course we do" Singaporean : "Do you wear protection" Malaysian : "Of course! We wear condoms." Singaporean : "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Malaysian : "Stupid question ! Of course we throw them away." Singaporean : "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia,... & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."

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Best Salesman of the Year!

An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".
Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?" "Of course," the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The Indian says, "One" The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day. How much was the sale for?"
The Indian says, "$101,237.64." The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?" The Indian replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing.

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A man was carrying 2 babies, 1 in each arm while waiting for the train.
Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man,"Arent't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied,"I don't know!"
The lady asked again,"Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man, looking angrier than before, replied,"I don't know!!"
The woman then started scolding the man, "What kind of a father are you!?"
The man replied furiously,"I am not their father! I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"

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Beng and Hua were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Beng suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.
Hua promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the medical director became aware of Hua's Heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell her the news, he said,
"Hua, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses".
"The bad news is that Beng, the patient you saved hanged himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead".
Hua replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry"

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and also found some meaningful quotes..so just like to share it here..

If you want to see something done, just tell some human beings it can't be done. Make it known that it's impossible to fly to the moon, or run a hundred meters in nine-point-nine seconds, or solve Fermat's Last Theorem. Remind the world that no one has ever hit sixty-two home runs in a season. Stuffed eighteen people into a Volkswagen Bug. Set half the world free. Or cloned a sheep.Dangle the undoable in front of the world. Then, consider it done.
---A Merrill Lynch advertisement

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.
---By Victoria Holt

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.".
---Ann Landers

"When everything seems to be going against you, just remember that the airplane takes off when it is against the wind, not with it"

FLIGHTer 17^Vicson